Malice Cat

First one today. Short answer questions were terrible. Lateral inhibition? Optic tract? Ventilation-perfusion curves? Shoot me now. I attempted a very half-assed effort on the rest (like I could choose… urgh, honestly) and churned out some bare bones answers on calcium down-regulation.

Was also super hot today. 43 degrees kind of hot. Every step in the sun was like having your skin being burned off via evil kid and magnifying glass. Do the math.

And now Jared’s making me depressed with his business exam fail and whatnot. Damn, I was going to be cheerful today, but swotvac + this is making me so grumpy.

I made a new friend at the bus stop today. He’s a first year business student, and he wants to do social work. How sweet is that? I think he’s one of those weird geek/virgin types – that made me laugh, since I probably am one too – but awww. He’s so adorable. We ended up getting off at the same stop, smiled and waved goodbye. It was fleeting and transient and I probably won’t ever see him again – but I’m glad I spoke to him. It gave me human contact with someone who didn’t know me. I felt real again.

that have changed -

1. I’m quick to start up conversations with people I don’t know/barely know – it’s uni, after all.

2. Outgrew my anime/jpop/jrock phase. I can barely keep up with fma as it is (and that’s just ONE series)

3. I love 30s/40s/50s music now. Ink Spots!

4. I used to have an aversion to fat people.

5. R ILU SRSLY

- and things that haven’t.

1. I’m still pretty introverted.

2. I still hate the OSM clique.

3. Sedentary, for the most part. I can’t get into the whole “healthy lifestyle” trend.

4. I am a pirate. Arrr.

5. My weight (ha!)

I stayed up all through the night for the first time in my life yesterday to rush my disease lab report. 40 hours! That’s got to be a record somewhere or something. I remember people telling me they did that in NY and now I can honestly say that it’s fucking amazing how they managed it. I’ve got to look into the whole energy drink thing – that stuff kept me up till sunrise.

I don’t know what I look like anymore. I look in the mirror and I see bits and segments, eyes, a nose. I can’t put myself together to see my face from afar.

I’ve developed a habit of observing women. How they carry themselves, how their hair looks, what they wear. It’s a strange disconnect when I suddenly have to switch on my social circuits and speak out loud (how many people share my bus, anyway?)

There’s this guy. He’s a new friend of mine in one of my modules. He’s nice, religious (not mine, some new age thing) and smart. He invited me for one of his religious social mixers, and I agreed.

I normally hate mixers – there’s just so many people that you don’t know and a million ways to not fit in with a crowd. It wasn’t that bad, though. I met and shook hands with a record number of people who all knew each other. I watched vids of the the birth of the baab. I ate snack food. I arranged plastic chairs on the field and kept the wires after to help out.

He gave me a lift home. He’s leaving for Queensland. Going to Sydney for postgrad. I think I may have liked him for a while, but he’s just become one of those transient people in my life. Stopping in to exchange pleasantries before leaving to start his own adventure.

I want my life back.

It kicks in at night, every night, before I go to bed.

It’s not emo, angsty teenage depression, either.

It’s the full-blown ‘What am I doing with my life” and “When is this all going to end” kind.

I want to finish things and live my (not my) dreams, but I’m so tired.

Every day, before I get out of bed, I imagine a life where things could have turned out differently.

I don’t know how long I can keep up this farce, pretending that things are alright, that I’m happy, that I can be fueled by superficial things.

My parents wouldn’t understand. I trivialize it with my friends. You used to understand, but you’re not here anymore you fucking left and sometimes I imagine you were here but you won’t ever be. You’re not real anymore. The you in my mind and the you in reality are two people, diverged at 15, never to reform. I saw you in the mirror the other day. You were smiling. And right there, I cried. I cried and cried until I thought I would die. There’s never anyone else. No one will ever measure up to you.

I envy simple people.

I wonder if people see the cracks when they look at me. Whole on the outside, but broken and crappy and barely functioning on a human level on the inside.

Life is so short. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed any of it.